I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
