He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
