Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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