why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
