I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
