u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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