Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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