K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
