she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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