its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
