every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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