i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
