he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
