you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
