Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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