Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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