I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
