You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
