in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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