How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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