Who wears a wallet chain?!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
