i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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