I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
this hospital has no fireball
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
