1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
