I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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