His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
