There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
