She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
