He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
