I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So here I am, sexting at work.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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