i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just gift wrapped bread.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
