why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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