8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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