Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
