I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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