Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
