So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
