a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
