I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
