did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
