Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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