I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
