All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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