I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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