apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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