got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
