What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
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hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
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Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything