Your face is a jimmy john
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Soap is not a condiment
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up