I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
