I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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