I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
