I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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