The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
ttyl tear gas
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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