if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
