I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
false alarm, still single
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
