No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
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His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
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First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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